A particularly bitter barista has responded angrily when a customer from the outer suburbs asked if she served instant coffee in her cafe. The customer, in Northcote visiting her niece, made the odd request of instant coffee and was publicly hounded.

The barista announced loudly, “oh darling, we don’t serve that stuff here, it’s not 1987. Did you know that every time someone makes an instant coffee, an innocent, Stackhat-wearing hipster crashes their fixie into a heavily crocheted lamp post?”

The sound of barely stifled giggles filled the small shop front cafe, as hip inner north regulars huddled over their deconstructed soy lattes made from hand picked arabica beans sourced from the Ethiopian highlands – an area only accessible via a three-day donkey ride.

The barista’s comments revealed a distinct lack of understanding of how life is lived in suburban households across Melbourne. After listening to the barista’s diatribe, the customer calmly said, “if that was true my dear, our hospitals wouldn’t be big enough to house all those banged up hipsters”.