Despite modern teachings that all people are equal and essentially the same species, a recent study has revealed that there are two different kinds of people on this planet: those who use massage chairs at shopping centres and those who don’t. While countless other philosophers and social analysts have attempted to categorise people in the past, this new finding is the closest we’ve ever come to fully understanding the inner workings of the human brain. 

The study looked at biological, theological, cultural and environmental differences in human beings all over the world but still came down to the fact that there are clear differences between the brains of people who use massage chairs in public places and those who don’t. A team of esteemed analysts from every continent on earth worked together for six months before reaching this stunning conclusion. 

According to the head analyst, Chad Salisbury, “all of the brain scans, brain dissections, MRIs, IQ testing, values testing, and anecdotal evidence kept bring us back to the same point: you’re either comfortable receiving a massage from a large arm chair in a public place or you’re not. While ethicists and evangelical dreamers will argue that we’re all the same, we have data to prove that we’re not. It takes a special kind of person to sink into a large leather chair that has been sat in by hundreds, if not thousands, of likeminded special people and then be massaged by mechanical thumbs and nodules while ‘normal’ people walk past and silently judge you.” 

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