A local family is divided over the correct placement of tomato sauce in the kitchen, with members taking sides on either the fridge or the pantry. This morning the Collis family is reportedly resembling a hung parliament, with clandestine negotiations happening between family members keen to get the majority vote that will be cast later tonight at an emergency family meeting.

Tensions came to a head last night during dinner time when the sauce had been in the fridge all day and Sam Collis, the father of the family, exploded in rage over what he described as “Bloody freezing sauce on me schnitzel!” That outburst opened the metaphorical flood gates as years of passive aggressive movement of the sauce bottle around the kitchen spilled out onto the dinner table, a situation only cooled somewhat by the arrival of dessert: apple pie with ice cream.

While Brenton, the middle son, muttered under his breath that he was surprised the tomato sauce wasn’t in the freezer with the ice cream, dessert was eaten in relative silence before all family members excused themselves from the table and commenced planning for the 24-hour election campaign. Brenton, the self-appointed spokesperson for “Team Pantry”, told The Watsonia Bugle, “While I was initially shocked by the fiery debate over the dinner table last night, I can’t say I’m surprised that it erupted like that. Those jerks from Team Fridge have been sneakily moving the bottle into the fridge on and off for the last three or four years, even in the depths of winter, so it was high time that we called them on it.

“Dad’s clearly on my side after his now iconic quote that there was ‘bloody freezing sauce on me schnitzel’, so all I really need to do now is secure one more voter. Mum’s a clear pro-fridge kind of operator, so she’s no chance. My best bet is either me little brother Lachie, or me older sister Steph. On the one hand I can physically threaten Lachie, but he knows where his bread’s buttered so is pretty closely aligned with Mum.”

Following further investigation, we discovered that Steph is the most likely swinging voter in this scenario, telling us, “To be honest I don’t really care where they keep the sauce, I hardly use it anyway. I’m actually just getting off on all the drama. And, in strange kind of way, it’s actually bringing us closer together as a family, what with all these family meetings and that.”

As speculation mounts over which way tonight’s vote will fall, in true newspaper fashion our editorial team has decided to make our choice in an attempt to influence the ballot. Therefore, The Watsonia Bugle hereby declares itself to be on Team Pantry – for no other reason than that’s just the way it should be.

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