The inner suburbs of Melbourne will be reportedly placed under martial law tomorrow night in an attempt to control the behaviour of Collingwood and Richmond supporters attending the Preliminary Final at the MCG. While authorities remain tight-lipped about the potentially drastic action, we have spoken to at least two sources who claim it’s our city’s only chance to maintain some semblance of order within the five kilometre radius surrounding the home of football.

Martial law is traditionally only applied in extreme circumstances, such as a foreign invasion or a sever natural disaster. It essentially hands over the control of law and order to the military, presumably allowing them to administer a stricter and more forceful brand of order in an attempt to dissuade the public from acting in a nefarious manner.

One source, who spoke under strict anonymity, told The Watsonia Bugle, “This is pretty serious. Martial law hasn’t been applied in Melbourne for decades, if ever. So, the powers that be clearly aren’t taking this situation lightly. Exactly how it will be applied on the streets remains unclear but, apparently, at about 4.00pm a perimeter will be established about five kilometres from the centre of the MCG, with the bulk of the armed forces positioning themselves north of the Yarra.”

The other source claimed there would be a zero tolerance approach applied to the misbehaviour of all citizens. They said, “We’re talking spitting, littering, jay walking, bascially all the petty stuff. That will result in immediately being taken into custody. By treating that seemingly minor stuff so harshly, they think it will deter the stuff on the other end of the scale. You know, like starting the ‘Collingwood’ chant in or around the ground, screaming out ‘YELLOW AND BLACK’ for no apparent reason, or deciding that it’s okay to repeatedly punch a mostly defenceless 60-year-old while he lays on a road.”