A local woman is still putting sugar in her daily coffee, like some kind of pathetic 13-year-old trying the popular beverage for the first time. Speaking to friends over a coffee yesterday morning, 37-year-old Stephanie Selwood conceded her apparent failure at adulthood, insisting that she just can’t drink a whole cup of coffee unless she adds three teaspoons of sugar to it.

In an exclusive interview with The Watsonia Bugle, Selwood attempted to shed more light on her predicament when she said, “I just don’t like the taste, I honestly don’t. In the early days, I just ordered a hot chocolate when I went ‘out for coffee’ with friends. But I got sick of the sniggering and outright abuse I would cop when I did that. So now I just add a heap of sugar to make it palatable, like turning a beer into a shandy just so you can get it down.”

While Selwood attempting to explain her way out of a corner, one of her friends was slightly less understanding. The anonymous friend told The Watsonia Bugle, “I’m actually embarrassed to be her friend. I mean, c’mon. It’s coffee, everyone loves coffee. Steph is like some pathetic child trying to down her cough medicine. It’d be less childish of her to just order a tall glass of cold milk. Seriously.”