A local stage fright sufferer says he is genuinely dreading the eventual return to public toilet use, after enjoying close to a full six months of urinating alone in the relative safety of his own home. Cameron Maloney made the honest admission yesterday during a conversation with friends, after making the salient observation that he couldn’t pinpoint the last time he used a public toilet and/or went to the toilet in the company of others.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle about his growing concern, Maloney said, “Like everyone else in Melbourne, I’m looking forward to getting back to normal as soon as possible. Even if that is the ‘COVID normal’ that people seem to like name checking. But I must say, the one positive of lockdown has been my ability to maintain consistent flow when taking a piss. I have not missed the paralysing fear of attempting to pass urine in the immediate vicinity of other men.”

And Maloney is apparently so concerned about the resumption of normality, that he is about to commence a four-week “mini pre-season” to prepare himself for a return to public toilet use – whenever that may be. He said, “Yeah mate, I’ve got a few strategies, I’ve found a recording of crowd noise, so I’ll start playing that in the toilet at my place. I might even start splashing water on the floor to faithfully recreate the footing of a public toilet. And maybe stick some cardboard cutouts on the walls so I can replicate that feeling of having multiple sets of eyes on you when you slip your old fella out for a leak. Failing to prepare in preparing to fail.”