It’s that time of the year. No, not the time when Santa comes down the chimney. It’s that time of year when news outlets start publishing all their boring ‘How to cure a hangover’ guides that some journo has spent 30 minutes researching on Google and always ends with some expert telling you the best way to avoid a hangover is to not drink at all. Yawn. The people of Watsonia and our surrounding area deserve better. It’s been a long year, and if we want to get on the sauce this festive season, we should be able to do so safe in the knowledge that we can treat our severe hangovers the next morning. So, here it is, your ultimate local guide to curing a hangover.

Hydrotherapy

The long-time choice of many an enthusiastic binge drinker, there’s something about the weightlessness of being surrounded by water that can make you feel human for a passing moment. It’s bliss. Ideally, you do this in a natural body of water. One of the few setbacks of living in Watsonia is that the nearest beach is miles away, so this means you’ll have to bathe in one of our natural waterways. Take your pick between the pristine Plenty River and the flourishing Kalparrin Lake. Even if the sensation of being soothed by naturally forming water doesn’t cure your ills, you’ll be briefly so worried about contracting salmonella and desperately trying to regulate your all-important body temperature that you’ll forget about all those things you said in the family group chat last night after your 12th beer.

Dimmies

But not just any dimmies. We’re talking the greatest dim sims in the known world. Sure, from time to time The Watsonia Bugle has been accused of just being one elaborate marketing campaign for the Noodle Station, but we promise no money has ever changed hands. Quite simply, dim sims that good don’t need to advertise. Eating on the morning after a big night on the turps can be risky, but your body needs nourishment, and Noodle Station dim sims contain all the goodness you’ll need to face the day. Pair them with a can of Coke and you’ll feel momentarily invincible.

Hair of the dog

Nothing says “I’m a living, breathing trash fire” louder than walking into the gaming section of one of our local licensed venues and ordering a pot of beer before midday. It’s problematic behaviour, but you can address those issues tomorrow, today is for dealing with these overwhelming symptoms of dehydration and shame. And what’s the best thing to do when you don’t want to face unpleasantness head-on? Reschedule it for tomorrow. Why do you think god waited until the fourth day to create the sun, moon and stars? Because they were super complicated. So, He kept putting it off until he felt ready to tackle it. And that all turned out for the best.

Make a the sex

Similar to the hydrotherapy theory, making sweet love to your significant other will momentarily take your mind off your throbbing head and fear of expelling bodily fluids. Oh, wait a minute. But yeah, it’s scientifically proven to release endorphins and that, so give it a try. Plus, earlier this year, Watsonia failed to make it into Victoria’s “Top 10 Sexiest Suburbs” list. Sure, that list’s chosen metric of most money spent at sex shops is arguably not an accurate indication of proficiency and frequency in bedroom antics, but suburb ranking lists are important to us, so hop to it please.

Go to Norfies

Depending on the severity of your symptoms, transportation might be an issue, especially for such a long car trip, but the destination will be well worth it. We have reported on this in the past, but it’s a proven fact that dining in at the Northland Food Court – whilst inherently dangerous – is a sure-fire way to feel a whole lot better about yourself and your life choices. And that’s before you even start to dabble in the literal smorgasbord of hangover-slaying food options. Make the trek. You won’t regret it.

Maccas car park

While the car park at Greensy Maccas is mostly for local legends boldly flouting the clearly-signed regulations about permissible parking, it does serve another – less publicised – purpose. The health benefits of post mix Coca-Cola are well known. In fact, in some rare cases, well-trained livers are alleged to be able to order a large Coke at Maccas without any input from their owner’s mouth or brain, such is the innate understanding that post mix cola will bring life back to an otherwise listless body. You don’t need a medical ID bracelet to receive that level of medical attention, your Stockholm Syndrome–suffering liver can just literally ask for it. Simples. What does this long-winded tale have to do with the most used and abused parking lot in all of the Diamond Valley have to do with defeated a nasty hangover? Well, urban legend has it that some especially damaged souls have been able to gain direct access to the Coke syrup from the delivery truck as it backs up to the loading bay. Foregoing the addition of water and fix, these desperate individuals have reported noticeable improvements within the hour, making full use of the scarcely-known fact that McDonald’s truck drivers have received triage training to help treat ghastly hungover people. You’ve just read that on the Internet… so it must be true.