A wannabe country lad has started drinking Great Northern beer in a bold attempt to rebrand himself as more country than city. Seemingly keen to turn his back on a lifetime growing up in relatively sheltered surrounds of suburban Melbourne, Chris Wallace has been making subtle changes to his behaviour over the past six months, culminating in this latest switch in his beer of choice.

An anonymous friend contacted The Watsonia Bugle to shine a light on the change in Wallace’s behaviour, suggesting the attempted transformation would be unsuccessful. The friend said, “I’m not sure what’s behind this, but he’s definitely up to something. He hasn’t had much luck with the ladies recently, so maybe he’s going for a full rebrand. Positioning himself as some kind of rugged outdoors man. Which he most definitely is not. Who knows?”

The friend also outlined a number of telling examples that cast further doubt on Wallace’s ability to pass as a rural man of action. They said, “Look, good on him for having a go, but there’s not enough flanno shirts and denim jackets on earth to paper over the cracks of his true persona. He’s been trying to grow some facial hair for almost a year now, but all he has to show for it is bum fluff. It’s embarrassing. And he a genuine city boy, no doubt about that. I mean, he gets the sweats when he goes further north than Montmorency on the Hurstbridge Line. He can’t even ignite the pilot light of the central heating unit at his mum’s house, let alone a full-blown open fire. He’s kidding himself.”