NBA star Ben Simmons has given hope to every poor tortured soul who’s had to beg for a fill-in for their mid-week sports team by turning out for a Monday night game at Diamond Valley Stadium. Basketball experts say Simmons was playing about 23 levels below his usual standard when he stepped onto Court 1 last night and dropped a lazy 34 points and led his adopted team to victory. 

The recruitment of Simmons was a significant improvement on the usual last-minute fill-ins for mid-week sport, which is more commonly some bloke from work who used a play a bit, your girlfriend’s friend’s boyfriend who you’ve met about three times, or your next door neighbour who dusts off his old Reebok Pumps and hasn’t played for 15 years. Last night’s events have given new hope to the thousands of Australians who spend hours each week stressing about whether they’ll have enough players to fill their basketball, netball, indoor cricket, futsal, beach volleyball, or badminton team. 

According to Jason Crowe, long suffering team manager of the “Mixed Messages” mixed netball team, the news of Simmons’s appearance has given him a new lease on life. Crowe said, “just recently I’d been thinking I’ll give it up at the end of this season. Every single week I’m on the phone trying to answer the complex and multi-faceted riddle of whether I’ll have enough players on Thursday night. If those guys out in Greensborough can get an NBA star to fill-in, it gives hope to us all!”