A local pisswreck claims he’s doing FebFast now after waking up with a savage hangover this morning and shuddering at the thought of drinking booze ever again. Whilst, technically, he’s missed the start of the alcohol-free month, Ben Donaldson reckons that’s okay, because he’ll tack a couple of extra days on at the start of March to make it an even 28 days.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle from his death bed, Donaldson said, “Yeah mate, I’ve made these kinds of bold declarations before, but I’m serious this time. I pushed it too far last night. The inside of my mouth feels like a sandpit, and every time I stand up, a tidal wave of nausea slaps me all over. No booze in Feb, I’m doing it. For reals.”

Meanwhile, friends of Donaldson seemed less convinced of their drinking buddy’s resolve. Best friend Cameron Pearce said, “Haha, he told you that did he? I’ve got so many texts in my phone from him that say he’s gonna lay off the piss for a bit, Telstra had to build a whole new data centre just to house them in the cloud. He’ll be back drinking by Wednesday night I reckon. Maybe even Tuesday.”