A local conspiracy theorist has floated an obscure theory about the true origin of this week’s enormous rush to buy toilet paper across Australia. Self-confessed tinfoil hat wearer Caleb McDonald contacted The Watsonia Bugle today to suggest that a prominent pasta sauce maker was behind the mad rush on the nation’s supermarkets in recent days.
McDonald said, “What are the first things people rush out to buy when a global crisis hits? That’s right: toilet paper and pasta sauce. Don’t be at all surprised if that Dolmio fella went around to all the local supermarkets and cleared out every toilet paper shelf to whip people into a frenzy. The scene of empty supermarket shelves always sends people crazy, and it can have a real domino effect. And what word sounds like ‘domino’? You guessed it: Dolmio.”
While most observers have been led to believe that the worldwide outbreak of coronavirus is the true cause of the massive supermarket buy-up, McDonald challenged people to think a little deeper. He said, “The pasta sauce industry is a very competitive marketplace, and you don’t stay in business for as long as Dolmio has without having a few tricks up your sleeve. You need more than just a notorious catchphrase and an adorable mascot. If you ask me, this move is genius by Mr. Dolmio.”