An exclusive report is warning Melbourne residents that nothing will prepare them for the intense heat they will experience when wearing a protective mask whilst hungover. The report, published by a bunch of scientists with binge drinking side hobbies, claims that the inexplicably warmer breath of a hungover person is terribly unpleasant when pushed back onto that same person’s own face.

A spokesperson for the research group said, “We measured the temperatures of a group of 100 hungover jerks, and every single one of them recorded a warmer than average ambient temperature. Anecdotally, most of them seemed to be unaware of those temperature increases, that was until we put protective masks on them and forced them to walk on a treadmill on varying gradients for 20 minutes. All participants recorded high levels of discomfort, with roughly 15% saying they would not drink again until masks were no longer mandatory in Melbourne.”

One anonymous participant said, “Oh mate, it was hellish. I almost asphyxiated. It was so intense. Normally a bit of fresh air helps with a hangover, but this was terrible. I’ll either be foregoing my one-hour exercise allowance on hangover days, or just walking laps of my backyard where I don’t have to wear a mask.”