Hordes of local “Kmart mums” say they are relishing the opportunity to recommence hostilities in-store rather than just on Facebook, as the popular chain store reopens after the end of Melbourne’s severe lockdown. Savvy shoppers across suburban Melbourne are reportedly chomping at the bit to return to their favourite retailer, the popular store gaining something of a cult following in recent years.

Some enthusiastic shoppers were so keen to return that they flocked to Kmart venues across Melbourne at midnight last night to be among the first get their hands on a bargain in-store, claiming that while click-and-collect helped feed their addiction during lockdown, there’s nothing like strolling the aisles and buying shit you didn’t realise you needed until you saw it on a shelf. One anonymous shopper told The Watsonia Bugle, “This is what it’s all about. My hubby is mega keen to get back to pub, but all I care about is getting back home to ‘Retail HQ’. I love this place. It’s the best.”

However, it seems discovering reasonably-priced household items is not the only thing some Kmart devotees miss about the in-store experience. Another anonymous shopper told us, “It’s a holistic experience. Sure, I like picking up a few things for the house, but I also like throwing shade at fellow shoppers. You know, deliberately blocking a narrow aisle with my trolley, cutting the queue at the checkout. Makes me feel alive. Being a keyboard warrior on Facey is fun, but the novelty wears off after a while. I want to see the look of pain in my victim’s eyes, and that can only happen right here in the actual store.”