A misguided Dry July attempt skewered Christmas in July festivities over the weekend, with one local man conceding that a confected festive season is much better enjoyed with a skinful of grog under your belt. Dale Nelson had that stark realisation at about 9.17pm on Saturday night, as his wife and friends started to really kick things into gear while he sat on the couch stone-cold sober.

Reflecting on the experience this morning, Nelson said, “I thought getting off the piss in July was a good idea, because the weather’s terrible and there’s not much on except for the footy, and nobody really attends matches these days anyway. Well, how wrong was I when I turned up to my mate Timbo’s place on Saturday night, Michael Bublé was pumping out of the stereo, there was a big punch bowl, and people were even drinking mulled wine. Why, oh why, did I decide to abstain from alcohol in July?”

While Nelson conceded that he woke up feeling much better on Sunday morning thanks to his iron-clad self-control, the ordeal had provided an interesting realisation. He said, “Mate, I realised that Christmas and drinking are synonymous for me. Like, what’s one without the other? Nothing. Especially when we’re trying to do it in the middle of the year for no good reason other than it’s cold outside so we want to pretend we live in the Northern Hemisphere. I mean, that alone just makes me want to drink. What a nightmare.”