Ronald Davidson of Greensborough has announced that he is running for office in local council. While this may seem unremarkable on paper, the platform he is using is one of the most extraordinary seen in recent times. Standing on the steps of the Nillumbik Council Offices in Apollo Parkways, Ronald has announced that he will recommend imprisonment to anyone in the municipality who is proven to have left seconds remaining on the microwave timer without clearing them for the next user.
Surrounded by supporters brandishing placards that screamed “Lock these bastards up!”, Ronald spoke to the gathered media throng and announced, “enough is enough, the people of Nillumbik demand action and I am the man to provide it”. While political insiders initially believed this proposed legislation would just apply to users of communal microwaves in office spaces, Ronald was quick to assert that it would apply to “every microwave in the state of Victoria”.
“Just as Julia Sullivan said to Robbie Hart in the all-time classic movie The Wedding Singer, ‘I think it’s the little things that count’. For too long in this region we have put up with inconsiderate microwave users. Nothing tears more ruthlessly at the fabric of my soul than going to enter a time into a microwave, only to be unable to because there are still 10 seconds remaining on the screen. What kind of a psychopath doesn’t know the exact time they need to heat something anyway? They should be locked up!”
Ronald’s hard-line stance on this seemingly minor misdemeanour was by far the most controversial item on his agenda. Early polling on the issue has indicated some support for the push, but only time will tell just how popular Ronald’s campaign will be.