Suburban mums of a particular vintage have reportedly been elevated to the AFP watchlist following yesterday’s announcement of an Australian leg on Bon Jovi’s world tour later this year. Security experts across the nation have supported the elevation, sharing some of the previously untold horrors they’ve seen during previous tours by the popular American rock group.

One such expert said, “I’ve seen things associated with Bon Jovi tours that I never seen in any other situation. And I’ve been to live war zones, One Direction concerts, the darts at Etihad Stadium, Collingwood games, and that time Antique Roadshow came to town. It’s like these women just transform into a different being. They totally lose their minds… and their inhibitions.”

One such loser of her mind, Karen Dunstan of Greensborough did little to water down the allegations. When contacted by The Watsonia Bugle she said, “Oh. My. God. I am so excited about this. Bon Jovi at the MCG. I’m already trying to work out which pair of undies I’m going to throw on the stage. I’m gunna go all 1986 on that hunk of spunk.”