B-List celebrities across the country are currently crying into their service station coffees over news of a leading retailer’s withdrawal from providing lavish hospitality at this year’s Spring Carnival. Long-time Birdcage presence Myer has announced they won’t be erecting a multi-million dollar tent at this year’s Melbourne Cup Carnival, leaving a significant hole in the social calendars of battling actors, reality television “stars”, and bemused international guests.

With regular news of Myer struggling to get ahead in the currently challenging retail environment, a spokesperson said they decided to cut their “hospitality spend and will not be activating in the Birdcage enclosure”. Exactly how a company “activates” in a climate of free booze and finger food remains unclear to us mere mortals, but we can only assume it costs bucket-loads of cash to create a temporary venue that will look good in the background of Instagram posts and brief television crosses.

When contacted by The Watsonia Bugle this morning, one B-List celebrity said, “It’s devastating. I’ve had a long-standing relationship with Myer ever since I was semi-famous for about a fortnight in 2015 on the back of my appearance on reality television. That glorious Cup Week at Flemington is such a highlight. In addition to all of the free champagne and cocktails, it’s genuinely the best feed I get all year. For the other 51 weeks of the year it’s basically baked beans and two-minute noodles while I compile new applications for the next series that’s coming up. Not to mention that nobody ever asks me who I’m wearing when I’m standing in the line at Centrelink.”