A local clairvoyant has claimed that the imminent closure of Greensborough’s Blockbuster video store is one of the seven signs of the apocalypse. This is bad news for a local community that is already reeling from the sad news that online streaming has killed the video store in a similar fashion to the way in which video killed the radio star.
While many residents had already predicted the eventual demise of Greensborough’s Blockbuster outlet due to changes in way people now access movies and television series, very few predicted that the store’s closure could be an indicator for something much more disastrous. Hurstbridge clairvoyant and part-time doomsday prophesier Carol Hanlon claims that Blockbuster closing is one of seven connected events that will spell the end of human kind’s time on earth.
Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle, Hanlon said, “I will not reveal all seven signs to you today, as I don’t want to create anarchy on the streets, but let me tell you that almost half of the signs have already been ticked off. More than two signs, and less than four. So you can do the math on that, you seem like a pretty smart news outlet. I will say that the towering inferno that destroyed Smorgy’s restaurant in 2013 was one other sign that has already occurred. And the burning of the Eltham barrel was another.”
Despite what seems like a common theme amongst at least two of those past signs, Hanlon insisted that not all would involve fire. She said, “Not all signs include the savage destruction of a local monument by means of a fire. For example, Blockbuster’s closure is not fire-related. But when the seventh sign occurs, the inferno will rage with the intensity of a thousand suns. Fear will reign supreme and our time on earth will end quite swiftly.”
Leveraging our considerable powers of investigative journalism, we were able to extract at least one of the remaining four signs. After intense questioning, Hanlon said, “Let’s just say if there’s ever not at least one empty beer can sitting in a gutter anywhere in the Diamond Valley that would be a sign. But the odds of that ever happening are very slim, so I think we’ve got a bit of time up our sleeves before the world comes to an end.”