A local dullard has tipped out an entire two-litre bottle of Strawberry Big M due to fear of needle contamination. Seemingly swept up in the strawberry contamination disaster currently swirling around the nation, Ben Gregson made the heart-breaking decision to surrender his bulk supply of flavoured milk out of an irrational fear of ingesting a sewing needle.

While Gregson felt he was merely being safe, when he told friends about what he had done they were highly critical of his actions. One such friend, Chris Taylor, told The Watsonia Bugle, “He’s such a moron. I mean, I know he’s pretty dumb, but when he told me he’d tipped out a near-full bottle of Big M I just couldn’t believe it. I’m honestly reconsidering why I’m friends with him.”

When contacted by The Watsonia Bugle for the opportunity to defend his actions, Gregson still seemed confused about the furore he had caused. He said, “Safety first mate. What do you think I am? Stupid? I don’t want to be enjoying an ice-cold glass of me favourite Big M flavour and end up with a needle sticking out of me throat. The boys are winding me up surely.”