In a stinging blow to health conscious cafe goers and garden variety wankers, a recent study has revealed that banana bread is not actually bread… it’s cake. The independent study, commissioned by suburban vigilante group Keep It Real Dickhead (KIRD), analysed the molicular construction of several “banana breads” covertly acquired from different cafes around the Melbourne area.

The outcome of the study confirmed the suspicions of intelligent people all over Melbourne. According to KIRD Chairman Daniel Johnson, “the packaging up of cake as ‘bread’ is, at best, misleading and, at worst, endangering the health of people too stupid to make their own decisions.

“And as for the argument that you can toast it and add butter to it, so it must be bread; you don’t hear us calling them hot cross breads do you? This study finally provides scientific evidence that cafe owners are mocking us all by referring to cake as bread. No wonder we have a problem with obesity in this country.”