An incredibly stressed and concerned Bugle CEO spent all of this morning rocking on the floor in the corner of our office during the catastrophic social media outage. Concerned that he would be unable to share important news with his beloved readers, the CEO entered a state of pure panic, requiring his underpaid writers to unsuccessfully attempt to calm him by playing whale noise CDs and offering unqualified massages.

At the height of Facebook’s longest and most severe outage, the CEO said, “The failed log in screen says we’ll be back on in ‘a few minutes’, but it’s been six hours! What the hell is going on? I need to deliver the news to the people!”

Meanwhile, the irony of the outage actually providing additional news to share with his beloved audience (i.e. this article) was entirely lost on the CEO. When the team of talented and witty writers suggested this to the CEO, he could only mutter “Too soon, too soon”. Then he shook his fist and glared skywards to yell, “The people need to know about the local parents who are upset about the lack of consultation for the possible twilight AFL Grand Final. It’s witching hour, people. Witching hour!”