Depending on the outcome of tonight’s match, both Melbourne and Essendon supporters are bracing to have their season announced dead by the media tomorrow morning. While a Round 3 death pronouncement may seem premature to some, those timid souls obviously don’t understand how the 24-hour news cycle works these days.

The two winless sides face off tonight at the MCG, with the loser risking a 0-3 start to the season, and eternal damnation, as media outlets clamour to uncover statistics that prove it’s impossible to make the top 8, make the top 4, win the premiership and/or ever be happy in your life again. Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle, one Essendon supporter said, “This is it, man. If we don’t win tonight, the season is done. And those stupid memes about us not winning a final for about 4,786 days will continue to roll on for another year.”

Meanwhile, one Melbourne supporter that we spoke to said, “It’s all very terribly concerning. Ghastly, in fact. We lose tonight and all the snow jokes will start up again, even though it’s still quite warm. And the worst thing is, by the time it hits July, the Wi-Fi at my chalet is unsatisfactory, so it’s hard to keep up with what people are saying about my under-siege football club.”