With the peak of magpie swooping season just around the corner, a local cyclist is pondering whether it’s time to strap a whole bunch of cable ties onto his helmet. Frequent mid-week bike commuter, and occasional weekend warrior, Cam Bradford normally only adopts the spiky protectors in season, preferring to not look like a complete bell end for the full 12 months of each year.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle, Bradford said, “It’s a fine line mate, I think it’s time to strap them on. Videos of magpies swooping have started to pop up on Facebook, and it’s only a matter of time before online news outlets start leading with a few clicky articles about someone getting attacked. But, you know, I don’t want to have those things flapping around in the breeze for longer than I have to. My street cred is already very low, I can’t afford to jeopardise it any further.”

When asked whether he could just forego the look altogether, instead relying on the helmet itself to protect his head, Bradford became decidedly animated. He said, “Don’t you get it? The cable ties aren’t there to protect me from attack, they’re there so the bloody maggies can’t get close enough to scare the living shit out of me and cause me to ride off the road. Do some research mate.”