A local expat Englishman has mysteriously called in sick for work this morning, sparking polarising responses from his colleagues. Damon Young texted his boss this morning to say that he had a “nasty head cold” and wouldn’t be well enough to attend his inner-city office today, coincidentally just hours after Australia’s win in the Fourth Ashes Test means they will now retain the urn.

While colleagues with little interest in cricket were sympathetic to Young’s supposed ailment, those with even just a passing interest in the current Ashes series claimed they could smell a rat. One such colleague, who requested strict anonymity, said to The Watsonia Bugle, “Head cold? Really? Give us a spell. Youngy’s been giving us all heaps ever since the World Cup, and now he’s been struck down with illness? Turn it up!”

The same colleague actually suggested that Young’s absence in the office today would only intensify any good-hearted ribbing that is due his way. The colleague said, “It’s actually a bad move from Youngy. The extra 24 hours will give us time to decorate his desk, tag him in more memes, and plant multiple reminders in every folder of his computer. He would’ve been better to just come in this morning and cop it on the chin. Let us get it out of the system straight away. I’m counting down the hours until tomorrow morning.”