A local man claims to have created the perfect tactic to deal with the seemingly increasing number of charity muggers pestering their way around Melbourne. Tony Nelson has told The Watsonia Bugle that he counteracts the awkwardness of saying no to a range of worthy charitable causes by delivering a polite yet firm “Not today thanks, champ” and not breaking stride as he continues to walk down the street.

In an exclusive interview, in which Nelson hoped to “Share his gift with the world”, he said, “The best form of defence is attack. So, by ‘champing’ these pests each time they start talking to me, they’re too busy dealing with the loss of social capital to even think about guilt-tripping me. It’s the perfect way to deal with what is an incredibly awkward situation. They have all the tricks, so it’s nice to have a few to feed back at them.”

When asked whether “champing” was an exclusively Australian putdown, and therefore less effective against the predominantly international charity muggers, Nelson held firm. He said, “Nah mate, they know what’s going on. A decent ‘champing’ is a universal language. You can see the life drain out of their eyes as you ‘champ’ them. They almost instantly look down to their feet and let you continue on your way. It’s awesome.”