A local man has explained his obscure conspiracy theory behind the proposed four-bin system that was first announced yesterday. Paul Quinlan contacted The Watsonia Bugle this morning to claim that the main reason for the seemingly well-meaning new container deposit scheme wasn’t actually to reduce waste and promote more recycling.

Quinlan said, “Just think about it for a second. Over the last couple of decades we’ve lived by the two-bin system, all the way back to those open black tubs that you’d chuck recycling in. As we adapted to that, kitchen design slowly shifted to accommodate the functionality of two bins. So, you either have a dual bin that’s freestanding in your kitchen, or you have an actual permanent fixture in your kitchen drawers or cupboards that features two in-built bins.  

“The introduction of four bins, and specifically the division of glass from the plastics and metals, is an absolute game-changer for both the kitchen and bin industries. Just about every single household’s kitchen will be rendered obsolete by the time this new system is introduced. And the freestanding dual bins will become a relic from a long-lost time. The amount of money that will soon be thrown at kitchen and bin companies will fuel them for the next two decades at least. Mark my words, this new system will have a heavier societal impact than the plastic bag ban at supermarkets. Seriously.” 

One anonymous source from within the kitchen and cabinet-making industry agreed with the lavish theory. They said, “This is huge. Our boss literally did a cartwheel in the warehouse yesterday afternoon when he realised. He reckons he’s heading straight for Portsea this Saturday to start bidding on a new holiday house. He’s about to make some serious cashola over the next 10–15 years. Absolutely.”