A local man has bravely admitted that he’s never felt more inept at life than when he pays money for firewood. Danny Wallace made the comments to his hair dresser yesterday afternoon, seemingly disarmed by the strong scent of hair product in the air, and his monthly meeting with a person he barely knows yet tells a lot of personal secrets.

Reflecting on the admission, Wallace said, “It’s strange, you know, I tell her so many things that I don’t tell anyone else. I’m not sure why. But this whole firewood thing has been bugging me for years, and it feels good to finally verbalise it.”

Wallace believes that the shame associated with purchasing firewood was a generational thing, a microcosm of how young people are getting softer every year. He said, “My old man never paid for firewood. He just scavenged around the place, and always had his nose to the breeze for a fallen tree limb or those redgum fence posts. I think that’s why I feel so bad about paying for the stuff, but my man skills just aren’t as evolved, plus I can’t be bothered.”

Thankfully, Wallace’s hairdresser somehow managed to ease the shame, providing a real-life example that justified the purchase of something you could get for free. Wallace explained, “My hairdresser actually really hit the nail on the head. She asked me if I feel bad about buying water. I said, ‘Not really’. And then she explained that it was the same concept. I mean, water is a naturally occurring resource, but you don’t see people wandering down to the Plenty River to fill up their drink bottles do you? So firewood is kind of the same thing, yeah?”