A local pedestrian crossing button has reported severe loneliness and a desperate need for human touch, after spending the best part of a week being elbowed and kneed, or just ignored completely. The button, on the train station side of the Watsonia Road pedestrian crossing, reached out to The Watsonia Bugle this morning, partly to broadcast its current predicament, but also just to talk to someone.

The button said, “Nobody wants to know me. I’ve gone from having hands all over me for years to absolute abandonment. It’s terrible. I crave the human touch. I literally can’t work without it. Can someone please come and touch me? Anyone? I’m desperate.”

While the button said it used to be offended when a pedestrian used the back of their hand, it claimed it would now welcome that mitigated contact. It said, “Oh yeah, the back of the hand would help me get through this. The knees and elbows are too much, and occasionally I just get a full-blown kick. That’s the worst of them all. Who knows where the soles of those shoes have been?”