A local parent has controversially claimed that today has been the longest day in the history of time. Sam Lincoln said that the combination of ongoing social isolation, poor weather outside, and the extra hour thanks due to daylight savings ending last night has made today drag like no other.

Speaking to The Watsonia Bugle, Lincoln said, “Legit, this has been the longest day of my life. Had a few too many iso beers last night, and the kids have been up since sparrow’s fart, mate. Every time I look at the clock I am totally staggered. 10am felt like about 2pm, midday felt like dinner time, it’s just been a real howler for me.”

The previously accepted longest day, immortalised in the 1962 film of the same name, has stood unchallenged for close to 60 years now, and Lincoln claimed he’d lodged a nomination with authorities at Greenwich. He said, “Filling out the nomination form took a while, but I had the time didn’t I? Not sure how I’ll go, but I gave a fairly thorough description of just how nasty this hangover is, and how much the kids were doing me head in. It’ll be interesting to see what happens.”