Eltham is legitimately preparing to become Melbourne’s next million-dollar suburb, after a housing market report from last month listed them alongside other national hot spots like South Fremantle, Pascoe Vale South, Mount Lawley, and Lennox Head. With a current median house price of $985,500, and strong quarterly growth, Eltham is tipped to become one of Australia’s newest Millionaire Miles, placing the suburb on an enviable platform for all other Diamond Valley locations to get, like, super jealous of.
While rising to a median house price of one million bucks is not quite the same status symbol it once was, some Eltham residents claim that won’t stop them from flexing on their Diamond Valley neighbours. One anonymous Elthamite said, “This is just yet another example of why Eltham is the true jewel of the north. All the other suburbs have tried to lay that claim, but they’ve got nothing on us. And I’ve always been able to sense the jealousy seeping into your articles. The Bugle’s had it in for Eltham for years now, so you can stick this million-dollar pay day into your pipe and smoke it.”
The same resident backed their allegedly strong case to question our journalistic integrity by referencing a recent meme we published that called Eltham the Cheddar Shapes of local suburbs because it “seems sophisticated” but is “actually quite boring”. The resident said, “You guys said we were boring old Cheddar Shapes. Well, you can get stuffed, because soon we’ll all be millionaires!”