A local group of mates say they performed the infamous Brett Kirk monologue prior to their first post-lockdown drinking session together yesterday afternoon. The host of the festivities, Dave, did the honours, in what some observers claimed should become a deeply-entrenched ritual before getting on the beers. While he tweaked the words ever so slightly to suit the occasion, Dave managed to deliver the monologue with unnerving perfection, later admitting that he’d spent most of Melbourne’s socially-isolated winter practicing the iconic speech in front of the bathroom mirror.

After his friend Bazza gave a brief introduction to proceedings, Dave climbed up onto a wonky plastic chair in the backyard, raised his first beer for the day, and said, “Thanks Bazza. I just want to give you a bit of an insight into the Saturday afternoon team. We’re a bunch of unique individuals: Jonno, Thommo, Bazza, Timbo and myself. We’re gonna engage [pause] with our minds and our hearts. We’re gonna exchange ideas, thoughts, and even our energy. And to speak from your heart you need to have courage. You need to be honest and authentic. We’re not always gonna get it right. And sometimes, you’re not going to agree with us. But that’s okay because, just like you, we care. Just like you, we’re passionate about the sesh. So, if you want to come along for the ride, join us on Saturday arvos, because we just love getting on the sauce.”

The end of the speech was met with cheers and congratulations, as the friends officially commenced getting back on it together after a long absence. Witnesses say the extended monologue perfectly set the tone for the day, and it was staggering just how applicable Kirk’s words were for an arvo on the beers. A good time was had by all.