A local retailer currently selling novelty Christmas jocks has claimed they work 60% of the time, every time, when the wearer is attempting to woo the object of their affections. Emblazoned with such alluring slogans as “Come Ride My Sleigh”, “Lick My Stick”, and “Kiss Me Under The Mistletoe”, the undies have been a surprise hit with shoppers at the Greensborough Plaza store, with many immediately heading home to test the statistical accuracy of the bold claims.

Watsonia father-of-two Vincent Pascoe was so committed to the statistical theory that he purchased three pairs of the undergarments and changed into the “Lick My Stick” candy cane pair as soon as he’d walked in the door of his family home. Later lamenting the abject failure of his new bedroom technique, Pascoe said, “What can I say, I must’ve been part of the 40%. Or is that how it works? I was a bit confused when the guy in the shop explained the scientifically-tested success rate to me.”

Displaying an increased understanding of statistics and probability, the next day Pascoe switched to the “Kiss Me Under The Mistletoe” pair which featured a cartoon mistletoe hovering ominously above his groin. Again, unsuccessful in gaining the attention of his wife, Pascoe started frantically searching for his purchase receipt for the undies, with the long-term plan of seeking a refund for false advertising. He said, “I couldn’t believe it mate. I even walked an extra lap of the house in them mistletoe ones after the kids had gone to bed, just in case the missus hadn’t noticed them the first time. Alas, there was no response. Nothing.”