A local braveheart has thrown caution to the wind by boldly executing a spider without a tissue buffer between him and the arachnid’s eventual corpse. Feeling the full impact of Melbourne’s current tissue shortage, James Klinger heroically squashed the spider this morning with the back of his fist, before quickly and thoroughly washing his hands.

Speaking to The Watsonia Bugle about his selfless deed, Klinger said, “Mate, I’m no hero. I had no choice. Normally I like at least one or two tissues between me and the victim, but we’re down to our last box at the moment, so we all have to make sacrifices.”

While he lived to tell the tale, Klinger said he would not rush into making any permanent decision about his future spider management methods. He said, “Look, it was scary, but I didn’t die or anything, so it opened my eyes a little. But this is definitely not the time to be making big decisions. I need time to think.”

Advertisement