An exclusive retail industry report has revealed that shoppers are better equipped for today’s annual Holy Thursday panic buy than ever before. The report, which analysed purchasing trends over the last decade on the day before the Good Friday shutdown, concluded that a full 12 months of lockdown restrictions had conditioned Melburnians to not rely on going to the supermarket every day of the week.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle, one anonymous supermarket worker said, “We’re actually feeling pretty confident about today. Normally it’s the worst day of the year to have a shift. Worse than Christmas Eve. People used to just freak out about the fact we were closed for a day. But if COVID’s given us one thing, other than a constant nagging anxiety and genuine fears for the future of humanity, it’s taught people to stock up on food and supplies. I reckon today will be a breeze.”

However, it seems not all supermarket workers shared that optimism. Another local worker, who also requested strict anonymity, said “Yeah, I’m not so sure today will be any good. People are stupid, and the day before Good Friday is generally when the stupidest people come out to play. Brace yourselves, the idiots are coming.”