A local slob has claimed that he’d be good enough to win a medal at a relatively obscure Olympic event, if he’d just started training when he was a bit younger. Todd Fraser made the bold claim while watching the kayaking earlier this week, and indulging in what he likes to call a casual ‘Tuesday Tipple’ – i.e. day drinking on a Tuesday afternoon.

Clarifying his comments during an interview with The Watsonia Bugle yesterday, Fraser said, “Yeah mate, for sure, I’ve actually got pretty good upper body strength, and I’m pretty disciplined when I need to be. I did kayaking on Year 9 camp and I was a bit of a wizard with the paddle to be honest. But that was too late, really. I needed to be down under that Fitzsimons Lane bridge at Westerfolds Park battling the rapids when I was still in nappies. Maybe then I could’ve made it to the Olympics. I blame my parents.”

When contacted for comment on those claims, Fraser’s mother disputed her son’s inflated sense of self-worth, suggesting he doesn’t even have the discipline to brush his teeth every morning, let alone commit hours and hours to an elite athletic pursuit. She said, “What garbage! That kid is always running his mouth. Kayaking?! Please. He was scared of the water until he was about 16 years old and thought going to the local pool might help him to meet chicks. And even then, he never left the shallow end. There’s no way he’d ever have made it as a kayaker. Tell him he’s dreaming!”