An inner north hipster says he’s genuinely torn by news of a wood heater ban in the City of Yarra, claiming the issue is a tight clash of some of his strongest ideals. While McKenzie Menadue appreciates the new rule would improve air quality near his Fitzroy share house, he says the facilitation of open flame at house parties is an “unstoppable vibe magnet” that always sets the mood for “good times and frivolity”.

Speaking to The Watsonia Bugle, Menadue said, “Everyone who knows me says I’m a real vibes man, you know. Get the fire going, crack out the acoustic guitar, have a few beers and maybe some other substances, haha, then just sit around and soak it all in, yeah. That’s where it’s at, man. But at the same time, I see the grand vision. Make the air cleaner, save to world and that. This one has really stumped me.”

When informed that any future ban would only extend to “new” wood fires, Menadue looked visibly relieved. He said, “Oh, yeah. Hundred percent, that is good. I’m all about vintage, you know. Old wood fires have stories to tell, man. Like, seriously. Does the old washing machine drum in the backyard of my terrace house count as an existing wood fire? Haha, of course it does. Vintage, man.”