A Greensborough father says he’s pretty keen for the junior footy season to wind up soon, so he can get his weekend diet under some form of control. Darren Garmen claims that currently from Friday night through to Sunday afternoon his dietary intake is borderline unprintable, leading to some genuine concerns about presenting his rig in its best possible state this summer.

Speaking to The Watsonia Bugle after another rough weekend on the fang, Garmen said, “Seriously, there’s only a few rounds left, but it couldn’t come any sooner. My day on a plate is just hot dogs, pies, hot chips and cans of Coke for what feels like Friday night all the way through to Sunday arvo. How am I supposed to be in tip top shape in December when I start hitting the beach?”

When asked why he doesn’t just show some self-control and avoid the canteen on game day, Garmen was indignant. He scoffed, “Ha, yeah right. Have you smelt those hot chips as they waft across the ground from the canteen and just call to my mild hangover like an irresistible mermaid call? You simply can’t say no to it, so the best thing to do is just wait for the end of the season before entering some kind of dietary detox.”