A Northcote-based coffee snob has spectacularly claimed that every time someone drinks an instant coffee an inner city hipster crashes their fixie into a crocheted lamp post. Similar to the theory that every time a young child questions Santa’s existence an angel loses its wings, Cadence O’Sullivan is convinced that instant coffee is solely responsible for a spate of bicycle accidents around the inner north.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle, O’Sullivan said, “It’s just, like, so not how coffee is meant to be made or drunk. Seriously. If those beans aren’t organically sourced from some obscure foreign country, and pooped out by one of their native animals, is it really even coffee?”

O’Sullivan also insisted that coffee culture had evolved so much in the last 20 years that instant coffee shouldn’t even be classified as a caffeinated beverage. He said, “It’s really no more a coffee than, say, coffee-flavoured ice cream. People need to move with the times.”