Old mate from across the road is reportedly pretty keen to talk about how fast the garden’s growing at the moment, taking any opportunity to strike up the same conversation with anyone who’ll listen. An anonymous neighbour contacted The Watsonia Bugle to report the alleged small talk infringement, adding that old mate runs the same ice-breaker every year when Spring arrives.

As part of what could be best described as a fairly one-sided interview, the informant said, “It started a few weeks ago, and really ramped up this weekend. He just runs with the usual, ‘Geez, everything’s growing like crazy at the moment. I can’t keep up, haha. Lucky we’ve got the weekly green bin collection, haha. I guess we’ve had a bit of rain haven’t we?’ And look, he’s got a point, but how does he keep running the same material to everyone who passes by his front yard?”

The informant also insisted that this year’s flurry of conversation was a seasonal undertaking. They said, “Every year, mate. Every year. If I wasn’t so impressed by how enthused he is each time, I’d get angry about it. But the old fella just loves it. Gets out there with the secateurs, and then just flags down every dog walker, door-to-door salesman, disinterested secondary school student, and the postie.”