A recent environmental study and subsequent report has confirmed that we’d all be cooked if kookaburras started swooping us just like magpies do every Spring. The research, spearheaded by a group of fauna experts at a local university, analysed the hunting techniques of the native kookaburra and mapped that intelligence with the overt aggression exhibited by the common magpie during its annual nesting season.

Speaking to The Watsonia Bugle about the results of the study, a spokesperson for the group said, “Let’s just say if kookaburras took the same dose of angry pills that magpies take each Spring, you’d want to have shares in zip-tie production. It wouldn’t just be cyclists wearing helmets to get around the suburbs during swooping season, I think everyone would need to be wearing some form of heavy-duty protection.”

When quizzed about the potential evolution of the kookaburra species, local gardener Fraser Leonard said, “Oh mate, could you imagine? Not only do they have that massive beak, but once they got a taste for human flesh, they’d never stop bloody laughing about it. It’d be a huge nightmare.”