A local man claims he’s not buying the new and improved identity of the Collingwood Football Club, telling friends after yesterday’s game that the Magpies are still a safe haven for ne’er-do-wells and petty criminals. Neville O’Malley voiced his warning at an otherwise friendly BBQ in suburban Watsonia last night, saying he won’t be tricked into liking the Magpies any time soon.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle to clarify his position, O’Malley said, “Everyone keeps going on about how likeable the Pies have become. Fly’s a great bloke. The Daicos brothers are a joy to watch, bla bla bla. I’m just not convinced, you know? Don’t let Darcy Moore’s eloquence and grace fool you. They’re still the same bunch of arseholes and degenerates they always were.”

O’Malley pointed to a moment in the second quarter that proved his passionate hypothesis. In the incident, a Collingwood supporter in the front row pettily dropped the ball at Essendon player Kyle Langford’s feet before strongly gesturing with his arms in an offensive manner. O’Malley said, “I mean, did you see that peanut that wouldn’t hand the ball to Langford? Like, seriously, what a dickhead. Sure, dropping the ball at Langford’s feet is classic shithousery, but what’s with the big ‘get a dog up ya’ salute afterwards? Grow up you moron.”