Lower Plenty man, Ken Wyatt, has shockingly referred to the critically acclaimed film Lion as “nothing more than a long-winded advertisement for the need to microchip humans from birth”. Speaking from the recently refurbished food court out the front of Greensborough Hoyts, Wyatt polarised his fellow audience members, most of whom were still dabbing away tears with small bunches of tissues packed especially for the notoriously heart-rending movie.

Wyatt said, “I’ve been going on about this for years. We microchip our pets, so why don’t we microchip humans? It would solve a bloody shedload of problems. For starters, that little Saroo fella wouldn’t have been missing for very long would he? The whole idea of a ‘missing person’ would pretty much become obsolete. And imagine installing some kind of pay pass into the microchip, so instead of hauling your wallet around everywhere you just wave your wrist at the checkout and you’re on your way. Not to mention customs at the airport. No more stamping of the passport, just wave your wrist on your way through the metal detector and you’re done.”

Apart from the obvious ethical concerns raised by Wyatt’s suggestion, his dismissive simplification of Saroo’s 25-year-long attempt to relocate his family in a small Indian village had other movie goers referring to Wyatt as “heartless”, “missing the point” and “a grumpy old fart”. Wyatt’s wife went as far as to say “It’s so typical of Kenneth, he’ll use any chance to further promote his stupid agenda” before quietly walking to the car while Wyatt trailed behind, continuing to list the benefits of human microchipping.