A reputable Melbourne-based newspaper has just distributed their updated content calendar amongst staff for the upcoming football season. The keenly anticipated release of the calendar has left footy journos incredibly enthusiastic about the many opportunities to rehash old news stories when things dry up a bit during the year.

Most journos have printed the calendar and pinned it to their noticeboards, with one even setting it as the desktop background on his laptop. One journo from the paper, who asked to remain anonymous, said “With the 24-hour news cycle, and the fact that more journos cover footy than national politics, it’s inevitable that we’ll hit a few dry spots during the season. So this calendar is a valuable resource. All I have to do is search for the article that I’ve written the year before on the same topic, copy and paste, change a few dates and names, and hey presto!”

While many of the topics are restricted to certain times of the year, other topics were available for use at any time of the year. And that’s the everlasting beauty of the content calendar. While some journos expressed their dismay at the removal of the Good Friday footy debate for this year, there remained many old favourites – especially Anzac Day being shared around by clubs, and the plausibility of a twilight or night grand final.

In another The Watsonia Bugle exclusive, here is the content calendar:

Mid-April: The need to share Anzac Day among Melbourne-based clubs other than Essendon and Collingwood.

After Round 8: The top 8 is pretty much settled, prove with statistics from previous years showing that top 8 rarely changes after this point in the season.

Mid-season: Someone has an insurmountable Brownlow lead, refer to that player as the “Brownlow favourite” for the rest of the season.

Mid-season: The surface at Etihad. Not as fruitful as the glory days when by mid-winter the surface resembled a lightly-grassed sand dune. Those ultra violet lamps they use during the week have ruined that fun. But still worth monitoring for any problems. Then interview one of the tenant clubs for a player who says they always pull up worse from Etihad games.

Mid-late season: Get some maths boffin to work out how some team who will not make the finals could mathematically make the finals. Perfect candidates are Richmond or Collingwood because it gives hope to the desperates.

Late season: Twilight or night grand final. Has now been used at any time of the year really, but the closer to Grand Final day the better. Classic argument about tradition versus progress (i.e. bowing to the TV powers). 

Late season: Retirement season. Old blokes will be dropping like flies. Prepare tributes in advance like news outlets prepare obits for celebrities. 

At any time: Price of food at the footy. This is like a Wild card in UNO. Just throw it in whenever you need it. Guaranteed to draw a reaction from the general footy-going populace. Prices pretty much don’t change all year, but people will still revolt at the scandalous imposition of charging $8.30 for a small box of soggy chips or $5.70 for a Cherry Ripe. You won’t even have to contact the AFL for comment, just copy and paste this line: “We are also concerned about the cost of food, but it’s actually out of our control. The stadiums all have their own deals with external caterers.”

Whenever someone gets reported or suspended for a hip and shoulder: The bump is dead. Another guaranteed passionate reaction from Joe Public. The bump has more lives than a cat… it has died every year for the last 20 years, and sometimes twice in a season. Make sure you contact some knuckle dragging hard man from the 80s to get a provocative quote.  

At any time: The Essendon saga. This is the gift that just keeps on giving. We all say that we’re sick of it, but it has put food on our tables for over four years now. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be a new development, people will just click on it anyway and act all indignant about what Essendon did to those poor young boys.