A recent study involving a detailed surveillance of a pack of dolphins living off the coast of northern NSW has concluded that dolphins are a bunch of pack-raping, irresponsible narcissists. In a severe blow to the quasi-spiritual who feel a deep and lasting connection to dolphins, it appears that dolphins are not the free spirited and loving creatures that we previously believed them to be. 

The findings of the study mirrored those of a similar analysis of dolphins living off the coast of Western Australia. With two independent studies now unveiling the harsh reality of being a dolphin, it could be time that humans reevaluated the fabricated kinship we claim to have with everyone’s favourite sea mammal. 

Common points of connection are the fact the dolphins always look like they’re smiling, and the oddly founded belief that dolphins and humans are the only mammals known to have sex just for the fun of it, and not just for mating purposes. 

Yet the lead scientist in the study, Roger Ellesmere, has claimed that the perpetual smile on a dolphin’s face is actually more likely to be a sinister smirk at the fact they have duped humans for so long. Ellesmere also noted that the penchant for a spot of pack rape to exert dominance over others is probably a shared trait less worthy of celebration.