A 37-year-old Watsonia man, Steve Salinger, has kept a casual eye on the escalating conflict between North Korea and the United States, announcing to co-workers this afternoon that he’s “war-ready” and willing to serve his country in the event of World War III breaking out. When quizzed by his colleagues about his suitability for war time conflict, the otherwise out of shape, near sighted, lazy couch potato referenced his childhood obsession with the computer game Wolfenstein as clear evidence he could “pack some heat” if the situation required it.

Salinger’s claims were met with universal guffaws in the office, but like a true soldier (pun intended), he battled on regardless. He said “you guys don’t know what you’re talking about, I used to be a bloody warrior. I clocked it, multiple times. Didn’t matter what they threw at me, I just locked into battle mode and didn’t stop until the mission was complete. Those vicious dogs that used to attack, I took them down like the cold-blooded killer that I am.”

Salinger was eventually laughed out of the office as he left early to attend his weekly tai chi class. Jill from Accounts went as far as to stand in mock salute at the door as Salinger left the building. The call log on his office phone listed multiple unanswered calls to the Watsonia Army Barracks.