An independent study into the number of bodily fluids that the average hotel towel comes into contact with over a one year period has alarmed both hotel guests and owners. The final count landed on 11 different forms of bodily fluid – spit, wee, poo, sweat, tears, ejaculate, blood, puss, black head tails, snot, and toe jam.

It was a damning result for the hotel industry, but also a big tick for the effectiveness of their laundry services to continually restore tens of thousands of towels to their original whitey glory. Local concierge James Connor said, “I guess we all knew that those poor towels were used to mop up a fair bit of stuff, and it’s confronting to see them all named like that, but geez our laundry service must be bloody good… pardon the pun.”

Macleod germaphobe Kenny Draton said he was unsurprised by the findings. “I travel a bit for work and I can tell you I always pack my own towel. Can you imagine the kind of things those towels come into contact with? I also pack my own pillow, pillow cases, sheets, doona, and doona covers. And I never eat out at a restaurant. I just prepare my own meals with a small camp stove that I take everywhere with me. Work trips are real fun.”