A bogan seen wearing his favourite “Tap Out” t-shirt during a recent trip to Greensborough Plaza has told The Watsonia Bugle that he believes he could totally become a professional MMA fighter if he could just find the time in his already busy schedule. When we approached Derek Stanley in the top food court at the Plaza he said, “Yeah I could totally make it if I just knuckled down, got off the smokes, joined a gym and that. I just don’t have the time but. Plus I really like donuts.” 

The Bugle was actually on location seeking opinions on next month’s fight between Floyd Mayweather Jr and Conor McGregor, when Stanley quickly changed tact and started shadow boxing in between large gulps of his McDonalds shake. For the record, he believes McGregor will win “because he’s got rat cunning and Mayweather would never have encountered that before you know”.

Despite his bold claims of having what it takes to fight for a living, Stanley’s friends insisted that he had no chance. According to Stanley’s best mate, who identified only as Brad, “as if mate, he’s a lazy slob. He runs out of breath after a trip from the couch to the fridge. He’s about 10 kilos overweight and doesn’t have an ounce of self-discipline. He gets Red Rooster because they deliver now. How on earth does he expect to become as disciplined and driven as a professional athlete?”