Reports of rabid flesh eating sea fleas dining out on feet and ankles in the bay over the weekend has forced AFL footballers to embrace more traditional recovery methods. News broke yesterday that St Kilda footballers have been officially warned off going to the beach by their fitness staff, leaving players with no option but do return to the methods of the 1980s to recuperate after hard-hitting games.

While the players have thus avoided using ultraviolet lamps to contusions and strains, players will now spend the day after a game running a couple of laps of the club’s training oval before heading to the social club to share a keg. This method proved very popular amongst VFL footballers in the 1980s, and was said to enhance camaraderie amongst the playing group.

One AFL player, who requested anonymity, told The Watsonia Bugle, “this is bloody awesome news mate. The boys are always talking about how we wish it was more like the old days when they used to go out on the piss all the time. Not just once a week, but sometimes two or three times. You know, proper drinking sessions. And while we’re pretty happy with the six-figure salaries and not having to combine footy with a real job, if these keg sessions become part of recovery we’ll get the best of both worlds!”