A Watsonia man has proudly declared that he’ll never give up his beloved Carlton Light cans despite a recent prediction that by 2040 alcohol will have been replaced by a synthetic substance called “alcosynth” which promises to provide social lubrication without the inevitable damage to our bodies. Professor David Nutt from Imperial College London, has said, “In another 10 or 20 years, Western societies won’t drink alcohol except on rare occasions. Alcosynth will become the preferred drink.”

Whilst the potential for a hangover-free tipple would excite many a recreational drinker, Barry Samuels of Watsonia says there’s no way he’d be lured by this new promise, telling The Watsonia Bugle that he’d much prefer to sit in the corner sipping on his ice cold cans of Carlton Light. Samuels said, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Why would I bother with this fandangled invention when I’ve already discovered perfection?”

Samuels admitted that while was reluctant to share “the best kept secret in modern drinking”, Carlton Light was still the best beer on what has become a flooded and over-commercialised market. He said, “All them other beers have these fancy labels, elaborate back stories, and big budget TV ads, but Carlton Light is just what it’s always been: affordable light beer with a full strength taste. If those fixie-riding hipsters hijack it like they’ve hijacked Melbourne Bitter, I’ll be real bloody mad.”