A beachside council in rural Victoria is reportedly considering introducing a skin fold restriction on men going shirtless during summer. The drastic action comes after yet another summer season being marred by too many blokes with sloppy rigs feeling that it is appropriate to walk topless down the street just because they are within a five kilometre radius of the beach.

Whilst any potential body fat restriction would open up a minefield of discrimination issues in our increasingly molly coddled state, a council representative behind the suggestion is unrepentant. He said, under the condition of anonymity, “To be perfectly honest, it’s affecting tourism. The mercury rises above 25 degrees, sometimes even lower, and blokes from all over the joint think it’s okay to take their shirts off and walk around our central business district.”

The representative even claimed that the annual epidemic was costing small businesses in the area. He said, “I know of at least a dozen café or restaurant owners who say it reduces the appetites of patrons, resulting in less menu sales and reduced profits. People laugh when I suggest the new law, but I’m dead serious. I can’t imagine any of these blokes going topless up your way in Watsonia. So just because we’re near a body of water down here doesn’t mean it’s okay to show off your back hair and love handles. It has to stop.”